Life IS An Emotional Roller Coaster

June 30, 2017 2 Comments

Warning: this isn’t a warm and fuzzy post.

Let’s face it, life can be an emotional roller coaster.  Everyone has their highs and lows.  Some of us are able to bounce back from our lows while some have a much harder time.

This week as I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed I came across an obituary of a young lady who ended up taking her own life.  I never met this girl however, I clicked the link and read her obituary.  Her family members spelled everything out in the obituary on what really happened to this young girl.  She was 15 years old and had been seeking help for depression. Unfortunately, she was the victim of being bullied and ended up taking her own life by hanging herself.  Personally, I can’t fathom placing anything around my neck and taking my life.  My heart broke as I read her obituary.  My heart sank for all the pain she experienced in her life.

Unfortunately, I have known several people who have taken their life.  People who I thought were happy and had a lot going for them.  What we see sometimes on the outside isn’t what these individuals are feeling on the inside.  Sometimes they end up seeking help and are given a prescription and sent home.  In reality, they need more than this.  They need more than a pill bottle to have a break through.

Several years ago I gave private swim lessons at various pools around the area.  Some were in the swimmers backyard.  I remember receiving a phone call letting me know that a family tragedy happened and I would no longer be working with this little swimmer.  This little swimmer was the only child and was so smart for her age.  I could tell she had a special bond with her mom when I saw them every week.  I was in shock when I was told this little swimmers mom hung herself from the front room banister.  So many questions were going through my head.  From the outside looking in, they had everything.  I was at a loss for words which rarely happens.  This little swimmer lost someone who she looked up to and wanted to impress during every single lesson.  Looking back I wish I would have saw something.  Maybe I could have helped.  English wasn’t the parents first language.  To add to the dynamic, they both were born in different countries and spoke three languages english being one.  I know how I feel when we move to another state.  I feel lost and out of place.  I can only imagine how she felt being in a different country, raising a daughter, and watching her husband achieve his career goals.  Was all of this to much for her?

Sometimes coming to the realization on what you want or had envisioned for your life may not happen is hard to swallow.  I have had my own demons that peeked when I had a miscarriage.  I was at a very low point in my life.  I felt completely alone.  I wanted the pain to go away.  I wanted to be happy and live the life I envisioned for myself and my husband.  It honestly sucked.  I ended up having weekly acupuncture appointments that helped me in so many different areas in my life.  This is when I really embraced essential oils for emotional support.  It worked for me, and I am thankful for that.  I found my balance without a prescription.

It’s hard for others to exactly know what you are going through unless they have walked in your shoes.  I have a tendency to guard myself because I never ever want to go back to those dark times in my life.  I know if I didn’t balance out my emotions I may not be writing this.  I was strong enough to know that I needed help.  I have learned to only give advice in a situation when you have first hand experience.  Hearing from others who have never walked a day in my shoes was gut wrenching.   Don’t get me wrong, I had several people who never walked in my shoes say really nice things.  They didn’t give me advice they just offered support and that’s what I needed.

If only I had a money tree maybe things would be a little different for us.  Moving isn’t cheap.  Even though we always move for a better job for my husband we still take a loss when it comes to furniture, breaking leases, non refundable pet deposits, buying a house, the list goes on and on.  As I was running today I thought about how many kitchen tables we have had…….wait for it…..we are on kitchen table number 5.  On our 4th couch, 3rd mattress, it’s never ending.  I am always told by outsiders that we can always replace these items.  Yes, they are right.  It’s all replaceable however these things add up.  Yes, it was our choice but it has also cost us money.  If we would have stayed in one place we could have had all the original but may have not had the household income we have today.  Because of all this, we don’t have the extra cash to think about IVF or any other similar procedure.  It’s a reality.  Does it hurt, of course it does.  This leads me back to emotions.  If I think about all of this I will naturally get sad because a family is something I have always wanted.  Unless a envelope full of money shows up in our mail box this won’t happen.  I can look at pictures of families and kids but having someone ask me something point blank really hits me hard.  Once again, I like to be in control.  I like to guard and protect myself.

Last March my husband’s cousin took her life.  As a person looking in from the outside seemed like she was so happy.  She had 3 beautiful children however things changed for her.  She was going through a divorce and I can only imagine what she was experiencing.  Having the visual or having something you always wanted then it being taken away is hard to swallow.  I commend her for seeking help however, she was never given the amount of help she truly needed.  She was released from the hospital and 72 hours later she took her life.  Click here to read a article one year after she ended her life.

This week reminded me again to be kind.  Kindness truly matters.  A simple smile and hello can have a huge impact on someones life.  If you see someone suffering reach out.  Don’t turn your back.  Find someone who can help them further.  Reach out to the National Suicide Hotline.  I firmly believe if we lead by example we will make a impact and hopefully save someone’s life.

astechmann

2 Comments

  1. Reply

    Kelly

    July 5, 2017

    Thanks for writing this article. Depression is so very hard to talk about. From experience, I know it’s hard to open up because no one wants to hear about the pain or the negative and a lot people don’t know what to say.

    I’ve been dealing with a very painful and selfish marriage which included alcoholism. My husband and I separated when my daughter was 5 mos old after counseling with two different counselors. I tried to give him a 20th chance right before her 1st Birthday and moved back in but by 16 months I officially left and am getting a divorce. I feel like a shell of my former self I was when we first got together, I am 50 lbs overweight from the pregnancy, and still dealing with some post pregnancy side effects that who knew anyone could get. I lost my job at the end of March too. I am in major debt and I moved in with my parents because I can’t afford my own place. My Mom got diagnosed with cancer that she is still fighting, someone stole my backpack with weights and ipod out of my car all the steps I am taking to fit back into my clothes so I can feel comfortable in my own skin again.

    Last year I cried on my birthday for the first time because I didn’t even want to be alive. I didn’t want to celebrate. And this year it’s coming up and I know I am making the steps in the right direction, but it is do freaking hard.
    I hate the saying “God only gives you what you can handle “. Because damnit I can barely breathe.
    So thank you!!! Thank you for being open and honest snd talking about things noone wants to talk about.

    I really really hope your miracle happens. You so deserve it. I hope he surprises you when you leadt expect it. Big Love Amy!!!

    I love my daughter more than anything, but I am so low 24/7. Even when she’s making me smile and my heart is swelled I am aching from all the stress. I can’t freely enjoy our time because I have so much on my shoulders.

    • Reply

      astechmann

      July 6, 2017

      Oh my goodness Kelly. THANK YOU so much for sharing your story, your life with me. As an outsider once again I didn’t know the pain you are going through. I wish I was closer as I want to give you the biggest hug and take you to a nice little organic place and chill.

      Your story brought tears to my eyes as I know the low you are talking about. It’s painful. In a short amount of time your life has changed in so many ways which is hard. It’s hard to process. I encourage you to share your story. I know sharing mine has helped me breathe a little better. Letting my thoughts run free has been one of the best things I have done for myself.

      I for one am so happy that you are here with us today. You are truly a beautiful person who was given a bad deck of cards. At least that’s how I look at it. Do you deserve it? Heck no. You are an extremely strong lady who separated when you could have used your husband’s help the most. It’s never easy to walk away. So many woman never do and never ever have a happy ending to their story. I know you will have a happy ending. It may not be this year but you will. You are planting the seeds to have a happy and healthy life to support you for the rest of your life.

      Please know I am here for you. Reach out at any time. I truly mean this!!! XOXO- Amy

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