I sometimes wish people could read my mind or remember dates and events that have impacted my life. Unfortunately, that’s unrealistic and I have to remind myself to take a deep breath and just breathe. My world was shaken December 24th 2014 followed by being rocked on December 29th and devastated on December 31st. I remember all three days like it happened yesterday. I don’t think about these dates every single day however, they have been on my mind lately. How are you supposed to prepare yourself to go through all these emotions all over again? If you don’t feel anything, is that normal? I have let my mind run wild these last couple of days and haven’t found the right answer. You know what, I don’t think I will ever will and that’s ok.
The last time we had presents under the family Christmas tree was December 2014. This was the last time this tree was put up in our home. Before I would always have both trees up towards the beginning of November with all the decorations scattered around the house. Now, I will put up the sweet tree as it’s filled with all sorts of sweets and not as symbolic as the other tree. I’m not sure when I will be able to put that tree up. My husband and I purposely bought each other more gifts in 2014 as it was going to be our last Christmas together. Christmas 2015 we were going to have a baby to love and shower with gifts. If everything went the way we thought it was going to happen I wouldn’t be sitting here writing about how Christmas hasn’t been the same ever since. It’s hard to answer what did you get your husband for Christmas when asked. I politely respond we aren’t celebrating Christmas this year. Secretly hoping the subject will change and the person who is asking will take the hint and not press for further questions. Well, that would be wishful thinking. I have to explain that the last year we celebrated was the year we were expecting baby S. Baby S had presents under the tree even though he or she wasn’t here to celebrate with us. Currently I don’t have enough strength to celebrate and be joyous when I have a totally different vision on how things should have been.
Today on my run I thought how the next several days are going to impact me. I know I can never prepare myself for the emotional highs and lows I may experience. December 29th was the day my husband and I met with my doctor and didn’t see a beating heart. We knew from my doctors phone call on Christmas Eve my levels were not going up as much as she would like to see them. During our visit we were given our options on how we wanted to proceed. Nothing like being told your baby is no longer alive and here are your options on how to remove it from inside you. I remember processing everything and telling my doctor whatever she would recommend we would do. I remember walking out of the office knowing our baby was still inside me however no longer thriving. At this point I was in shock, how could this be happening.
That night my world was rocked as I started to have a miscarriage. Worst experience ever. I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone. The pain, the emotions, the loss was horrible. The why’s kept on coming however, they were never answered. The devastation set in when I passed the sac on New Year’s Eve. My body pushed out what my husband and I created not the way I ever envisioned it. I can’t explain the loss I felt. The pain I experienced. I couldn’t understand why I was being tested in life and why I had to go through this.
Baby S has taught me so much even though he/she never took a breath. If we are lucky enough to get pregnant again and have a happy and healthy baby they will hear about baby S when the time is right. I think it is important to share what we went through and how it has impacted our life. We are still hoping for our rainbow baby. The world of infertility is an overwhelming world. It can also be a lonely world. I try very hard to embrace the challenges we have faced and continue to celebrate the two wonderful people we are as an amazing couple who supports each other through thick and thin.
Until we ring in 2017 I will continue to take a deep breath and just breathe. Time may heal the wounds but, I will never ever forget.