For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mom. Growing up I loved Barbie dolls, dolls, and playing house with the neighborhood gals. I always had the perfect little Barbie family with Barbie, Ken, and Skipper. There were other Barbie’s that were included but they had the life I dreamed of. A cute house, pool in the backyard, a car, a van, and lots of stuff. Seriously, they had the life! When I played with my dolls, I of course was the mom of 2 or 3 babies. I had a bed for them, bottles, a carrier, anything a baby would need I had it. It was definitely in my head that I was going to be a mom from a young age.
Fast forward several years and I am happily married to my husband of 8 years and childless. We have 2 dogs who we simply adore and love with all of our heart however, it’s not the same picture we created when we were dating and later on engaged. Everyone tells you to talk about finances, how many kids you want, religion, and so on. No one ever tells you to talk about what if you aren’t able to have kids and how this would effect your life. We agreed that if we had kids I would stay home and raise them and work part time as either a swim coach/instructor or fitness instructor. This would give me the opportunity to get out of the house as well as be there for our kids. We agreed on 1 or 2 kids and would raise them Catholic however, confirmation would be completely up to them. If they didn’t want to we wouldn’t push the issue. We honestly thought we had everything covered.
I think everyone assumes once you get married you are going to start having babies soon. Throughout the last 8 years if I had a dollar for every person who asked me “when are we going to have kids” or “do you have kids” I would have a nice savings in the bank. The first couple of years I would always answer the question “if it happens, it happens”. It was the easiest answer to provide without getting into my personal life. Honestly, the only people who should know what is going on is my husband and I. Period. End of story. That’s not the case we have experienced. I have heard “something must be wrong”, “you should go see a doctor”, “that’s not normal if you are really trying”. It’s pretty disturbing the things people have said over the years. I often chuck it up to being uneducated on life experiences. They didn’t have a hard time getting pregnant therefore, they think it is simple and easy. I wish that was the case.
Infertility can be a scary word. People often don’t know how to respond or how to act when that word is said in a conversation. Starting out in our journey to conceive our baby I didn’t think about infertility. I often thought how secret the process of conception is as I googled ways to get pregnant. Ovulation kits were purchased, I was healthy and active and ready to start our family. As time would go on I started to wonder how anyone got pregnant knowing the timing of everything. There were months where we didn’t try and gave ourself a break. We never felt stressed. I often wanted to punch everyone in the face when they said “once you stop stressing about it, it will happen”. As time went on, I started omitting chemicals in our life and at home. I started embracing Young Living Essential Oils and eating cleaner. During this time we were moving on average every 2 years therefore, I didn’t have a OBGYN that I would see regular. Each state we moved to I would find a new doctor and tell them we have been trying for “x” amount of years and nothing has happened. We both went through several tests and everything came back normal. I was told to stop with the ovulation kits as it’s not working. Our infertility has never been diagnosed as this or that. It’s undiagnosed infertility. All signs point that we can, however, it hasn’t happened.
In the late fall of 2014 I felt a change in my body. I’m very aware with my body as I have been monitoring it for several years. I ended up taking a pregnancy test that ended up being positive. Smiles, love, laughter, and excitement filled our house. We both were so excited to have this miracle baby come into our life. Move after move we always pick out a baby room knowing someday we will have a family. Maybe omitting chemicals worked and embracing an oily life was what I needed. Unfortunately, this happiness came to an end. On Christmas Eve, I received a call from my doctor that my blood levels were not multiplying like she would like and to have someone with me at my next appointment. My husband went into support mode and searched everything about my numbers. He was hopeful we would be able to see our baby. Being aware of how my body was feeling, I knew something was off. On December 29th we went to the doctor’s office and didn’t hear or see what we wanted to. I was going to be experiencing a miscarriage. I was calm and was processing everything the doctor was telling me. She encouraged me to have a natural miscarriage and made sure I was aware the amount of blood I would be shedding. How does anyone prepare for what is about to happen? That night around 10:30 is when it started. It was the worst emotional experience I have ever been through. The hurt, the pain, the anger, the sadness, it all hit me like a ton of bricks. New Year’s Eve is when I officially passed our baby. I will never ever forget that moment. Horrible.
I needed support, someone to talk to, someone to give me hope, and someone who knows what I am going through. At that time, I didn’t know anyone who went through a miscarriage. I did the huge Facebook no-no and posted what happened on Facebook. I am so glad I did. Several people reached out and shared their experience. It was comforting to know I wasn’t going crazy with what I was thinking and most importantly I was normal. The advice these women gave me at one of my lowest points in my life helped me want to live. I didn’t understand why this was happening. I understood that it was better for the baby, if I would have carried it to full term it may have had complications. The word “why” would come up a lot. The emotional pain was huge. Knowing our future wasn’t going to be like how we planned broke my heart.
The after math of my miscarriage was hard. Once I was emotionally ready to try again it was different. My hopes were high as numerous people shared their stories on how they got pregnant right after they experienced their miscarriage. As month after month would go on, I was sad that our dream may not become a reality. Still being opened I started seeing an acupuncturist that I was referred to by a friend. My acupuncturist was simply amazing! I saw her every week from the first week of June 2015 all the way through January 2016. Acupuncture may have not provided me with my end result during that time however, it helped me in so many different areas and for that, I’m thankful. It was hard saying good-bye to my Acupuncturist as we were getting ready for another move. I will never forget her last words to me. She looked at me and told me that she was really hoping this would happen for me as I have done everything I should be doing to conceive our baby. She did remind me that western medicine tends to scare women thinking it isn’t healthy to bare a child later on in life where as other countries are different.
Currently, I’m still holding out hope that we will one day be graced with the news we will be parents again. I’m still eating clean and using my essential oils. I started embracing my plan B a little more than I would like, however, it is a healthy way for me to have perspective on life. Do I still want to be a mom? Of course I do however, after 6 plus years trying there is a time where you have to enjoy the life that you have currently. I realize plan B may not be the option I want however, I’m determined to make it a great one. Please do not take this as I am moving on. I see it as embracing another plan. I realize adoption is a possibility for some however, it’s not the choice for us.
Before you start making suggestions to anyone in a similar situation really think long and hard about what you are going to say to them. I’m pretty open when it comes to our infertility however, it still hurts as this is not the path I ever envisioned I would be on. I enjoy hearing stories from others with similar experiences and often cringe when others who have never been in my shoes offer advice. I will talk about infertility struggles with others in the right place however, I’m not the person who feels comfortable wearing a infertility shirt broadcasting I’m broken. Yes, that’s how I feel, I’m broken.
As our babies 1 year birthday is approaching next month, I think about all the angel babies up in heaven. I often think about how our life may have been if we were to have a 11 month old under our roof. Until then, I will keep spoiling and loving on our dogs and being grateful that I am with the man I married as he has been my rock through everything.