A Childless Easter

April 15, 2017 0 Comments

Holiday’s are never easy when you don’t have kids.  Of course it’s only natural to ask others what their plans are for Easter.  This simple question is sometimes the most difficult question to answer.  My normal response is “we are low key people and don’t have any plans”.   In all honesty, I wish I had all sorts of plans with the family I was suppose to have.  Since I don’t, I rather sleep the day away.

It’s hard for me to get excited when this is not the life I envisioned.  I always thought I would be the mom who had a game plan on where to hide all the Easter Eggs.  Leave a trail to where the Easter Bunny left the Easter Basket.  Get in the entire holiday spirit.  Unfortunately, this is not the case.

Sometimes things arrive exactly when it is needed.  When I came home on Thursday I noticed a box at the front door.  I got out of my car and headed to the door to find a box from Mollie.  Mollie is my second mom.  She knows every single address I have lived at since High School.  She’s been my light in the darkest times.  She started sending me care packages during my freshmen year in college and hasn’t missed a holiday since then.  That’s a ton of care packages.

I carried the package in and opened it.  Each box is always thought out and filled with things that we enjoy or reminds her of us.  This box was no different.  It was the perfect box to take my mind off of what we don’t have and focus more on what we have.  We are lucky to have a wonderful couple who loves us unconditionally and knows the pain we have suffered however, has never treated us any differently.  I need to remind myself how lucky I am to have found my soulmate almost ten years ago.  It’s been a journey however, we’ve been there every step of the way just for each other just like these care package have shown up at every door step no matter where we are.  These care packages are more than objects, they are a generous way of showing us how loved we are.  This was a much needed feeling that arrived at the perfect moment.

I may not be hiding any plastic eggs tomorrow however, this does not mean I wouldn’t make a wonderful mom.  This does not make me any less of a woman.  This does not make me anti Easter.  This just makes me normal.  I have always said I would be open and honest about my journey and this is what you are getting.

Infertility is a ride from hell.  At least it is for me.  I can go months without being emotional and not thinking about how my life is so different than those around me.  The littlest thing can set me into a downward spiral that breaks my heart.  This is not the life I want however, it is the life that I have.  Am I jealous of those who have never struggled?  Of course I am.  I wish I was lucky enough to not have a list a mile long on everything I now know about me.  I wish my investments would have resulted in a bundle of joy.  I wish I had a money tree that could keep producing money so we could continue our journey.  It’s a real struggle.  It’s my real life.

If you are also on your a infertility ride from hell, you will be in my thoughts.  Please know you are not alone.  You are allowed to feel the way you do.  It’s ok if you don’t want to join everyone for an Easter Egg Hunt.  It is ok if you rather have a day to yourself.  This is your journey.  It’s hard for others to relate and that’s understandable since they haven’t suffered and experienced the pain we have.  Know you are a beautiful person who deserves so much more.  You are normal.