Crushed by August

February 21, 2017 0 Comments

Infertility is no joke.  You never know what will trigger the pain and the devastation of the struggle you endure.  You could be having a perfectly normal day then be told something that will rock you to the core.

Ugh, August is one month I would be happy that would just vanish.  August is the birth month of our Baby S.  Unfortunately, we were never able to hold our baby however Baby S has left a huge impression on my heart.

Everyone’s story is different which makes us all unique.  Since I was a child I was told you get married and then you spend time as husband and wife before you welcome a baby.  This made sense to me.  This is your only time you will be husband and wife before you are a family.  A child will add a different dynamic to the situation and at times can challenge the most stable marriage.  My husband and I thought we had a good game plan.  We didn’t try to conceive our first year of marriage.  We wanted to enjoy being husband and wife.  After that first year, it was game on.  I understand this doesn’t hold true for everyone.  Once again,everyone’s story is unique.

Fast froward to today, we have been married for 104 months.  Nine years this June.  That means I have had 104 monthly cycles since I said I do to the man I love with all my heart.  We were thrilled when we found out we were expecting Baby S.  After a long struggle of trying to conceive we were finally having a baby.  We were looking forward to August when Baby S would be welcomed into this world with lots of love.  Baby S didn’t make it to August and we were crushed.

The month of August is a challenging month for me.  This August Baby S would have been two years old.  We were supposed to have a little one running around chasing the dogs and bringing joy to our life.  Instead August brings me pain and sadness knowing what I lost.

This changed for me last night.  I was on my way home from work when I received a call from my husband.  We call each other when we leave work to let each other know we are on our way home.  I called when I left however, he didn’t answer.  I answered and he apologized for missing my phone call as he was on the phone with his brother.  He then dropped the biggest bomb shell, they are expecting a baby.  Before I ended the phone call he told me it was due in August.  Are you frecking kidding me, August?!  Right away I started crying.  I haven’t cried like this in a long time.  It lasted close to two hours.  How could they have conceived a child in their second or third month of marriage and we have been trying for 92 months?  How is this fair?  And why August?  Doesn’t the world know August is saved for Baby S?  Couldn’t they have thought more about us?  Couldn’t they have skipped a month and not welcome a baby in the month of August?

Talk about raw emotions.  I let it all out last night.  I was pissed, hurt, felt defeated, and wanted it all to end.  I wanted this pain I was experiencing to be over.  The horrible “why me’s” kept flooding in.  It has been a long time since I experienced what I felt last night.  It honestly was horrible.  I baby sat growing up.  I taught kid classes.  I coached a Girls on the Run program.  I taught swim lessons as well as coached.  How am I not able to have a kid?  Why was this happening to me?  And why do they have to be due in August?

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that they have no clue what it’s like to be in our foot steps.  They will never know.  It was more about the month than anything.  You may think it is silly however, Baby S is not visible and August was my special month for Baby S.  I can’t hide my feelings nor do I ever want to.  This new baby born in August will be a visible reminder what we don’t have.  Something I am not ready to see.  Knowing they would be two years apart is gut wrenching.

Infertility has so many different heads.  You never know when one will appear or how you will respond.  For me, when one of the many heads appears I let my emotions out.  I am not ashamed on how I react.  It is true raw feelings.  Infertility is no joke.  It is very cruel.

Unfortunately, most of the time it comes down to money when you are on the infertility journey.  How much do you have to pay for infertility treatments?  Talk about being kicked in the gut.  I wish it was really easy for me to hand out thousands of dollars at once.  Unfortunately, it is not.  Truth is, we have spent thousands collectively.  Sometimes I wonder if we would have been better off if we would have put it all to one procedure instead of trying multiple different things that adds up to being thousands of dollars.  I may never know.

From a person who struggles with infertility to another, it’s ok to feel what you are feeling.  No one can ever take that away.  There is no right or wrong way to react to news of a family member expecting a baby.  Only the ones who have walked in a similar path will only understand what you are going through.  It is not a path for the weak.  The strongest most courageous women walk down this path.