I woke up today when my husband’s alarm went off at 5:30 AM. He is slowly turning into a morning person and busting out his workout’s first thing in the morning because it is so dang hot here in Texas. Since he was up and moving I knew I should also start my day. I got my running outfit together and jumped on the Zero Runner.
Typically when I run I let my mind wander. I enjoy running outside as I hit the pavement without music, just me and my dog. Since I was running inside on the Zero Runner I put on Pretty Little Liars. It was more for background noise then anything. As I was a half mile into my run I thought about my day and what this date means to me. August 9th was my due date. If I did not have a miscarriage I would be a mom of a one year old. Reality is, I’m not. During my run I thought about the weeks leading up to my miscarriage and what our baby created in our house. There was a lot of joy. We spent a lot of time picking boy names out. My husband was set we were going to have a baby boy. We talked about how our dogs would react to a little one around the house. We knew Koda (our 12 year old golden lab) would be wonderful. She loves anyone that walks through the door. She usually lays down on the ground when a baby/child is in the same room as her. Conan (7 year old golden retriever) is a wild card. We honestly couldn’t decide if he was going to be protective at first or want to play with it. We were anxious to see how they would embrace our growing family.
As the miles went on, I wondered if my husband knew what today was. I also knew I couldn’t expect him to have the same feelings regarding today as I do. I wondered if anyone else was thinking about our baby today. It’s easier for others to not remember as they never saw or met our baby. Our baby never had a huge impact on their life as it did on mine.
As my run continued I was thankful. I was thankful that for a brief amount of time my body let me carry something so precious. I was thankful I experienced the joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test. I was thankful I learned that I can emotionally and physically embrace the life I have after a loss. I never thought I would be thankful for this experience however, I truly am.
Those who travel down the horrible and bumpy road of infertility share the same desire of wanting a baby however, each and every experience is different. Some women go through a bunch of tests only to find out their husband is the root of why they are unable to conceive. Those who have strong and healthy marriages can survive something like that. Some women go through IVF or similar procedure multiple times to either not get pregnant or get pregnant and later suffer from a miscarriage. Once again, those marriages who are the strongest survive.
For us, IVF or any procedure wasn’t on the table due to the fact our health insurance plan has never covered a penny for these procedures. If they did, maybe things would be different for us. I know myself and know if we saved our money for one round and it didn’t work, I would be heart broken and would want to find a way to come up with the money to try again thinking the second time would work. Nothing is guaranteed unfortunately. This is when I wished I had a magic eight ball that provided me the answers. Since we already spent thousands of dollars on holistic ways to conceive I have been at peace that we haven’t tried IVF or similar procedure. It does however cross my mind sometimes. I sometimes wonder if we gave up since we didn’t go this route. I can’t let me mind go there as it will lead me down a slippery slope and there is no need for that.
As I neared the end of my six mile run I began to think about how I was as a person before I was pregnant. I then reflected on the person I am today. I have changed. I would say I am more sensitive and emotional when it comes to babies and other women who have families. My views on embracing the good and the bad are different than before. I’m more of a go with the flow and embrace every minute of life as we are never guaranteed we will see tomorrow. I’m sure if I didn’t have to go down this road I may have complained a little more about my kids out of frustration than I would if I was the mom of a one year old today.
I was able to average a 7:30 pace for 6 miles because I let my mind embrace what today is. Even though there is no present signs of our baby in our home, our baby will always be thought of. After my run I showered and got ready for my second workout of the day. I knew I wanted to keep myself busy to help the day go by so I signed up for a Pure Barre class.
Pure Barre is a intese workout that focuses on little movements. You will feel the burn from head to toe. I needed this today. I will admit when it came to the thigh and seat portion of the workout I was regretting running six miles earlier however, I gave myself a pep talk and pulled everything together and embraced the shake. I reminded myself results are earned and not given. I grinned and carried on. I was once again thankful when the 55 minutes was up. It was a killer workout!
As I headed home I stopped at Chick-fil-A. I was hungry and knew I had a limited selection at home. As I was in the drive thru line a police officer was behind me. A sense of calmness came over me and made me thankful that they do their job to protect and serve the community. When I got up to the window I told the cashier I would pay for the officer behind me. She responded by saying that was really nice of me. She told me his total and then said since it was for an officer she could provide a discount. I honestly believe our baby spoke to me and wanted me to do this to celebrate their birthday. I have never done this before however, I have done other nice things for people I know. Once again, I am thankful that I got this feeling to brighten someone else’s day.
To those of you who have suffered a miscarriage continue doing you. There is no right or wrong way on how to go through the rest of your life impacted by dates. For me, I take it step by step, day by day and that is perfectly fine. Know your baby is looking down and watching you cheering you on to get through this thing we call life. One day you will meet this baby who has impacted your life, at least that is what I tell myself.
To our baby up in heaven, Happy Birthday!! Love you with all my heart!! XOXO – Mom